not like me because of my hearing challenge; and then at church it was always something or the other because I could not hear well to follow instructions in the teenager club that they kept. It was hurtful enough that I got called names like ‘deaf monkey’, and ‘stupid’, and ‘four-eyes’ and ‘baboon’ and the like. And then when I’m home I get called names like ‘stupid’, and ‘no-good-like yo’-father’ and have to face such horrible treatment. Yes, it was time to take myself off the face of this earth and get some rest finally where no one can hurt me anymore—and I did not care what anyone said or think.
I was going to kill myself and
no one was going to stop me. Inside, I was crying silently. I asked
myself what I did to deserve such treatment. How can people be so cruel to one
another without any remorse and think it was k? I had no answers in my little
mind; I just knew that something was not right and so I wanted no part of this
wicked world. Everywhere I turned I saw nothing but anger and hate. I felt as
though I was the cause for all the troubles and problems others were facing. It
was as if they were blaming me for their miserable existence and for some reason,
I had to pay for whatever their malady is. ‘Take it out on Juliana’ was
probably the sign on my fifteen-year-old forehead.
I planned my move carefully with
deep resolve. I would wait until my mom went inside the bathroom and quickly
sneak in her bedroom and remove the bottle of pills and then put them in my
underwear along with the mentholated alcohol so that neither her or my siblings
could see, then I would hide it in my clothing basket and when everyone was
sleeping, I would get up in the middle of the night as if I am going to the
bathroom, or try to drink everything before going to bed and then lay down and
sleep … say goodbye to this wicked world.
That was not to be. Mom hardly
moved from the living room that evening. So, I had to resign myself to facing
another long day at school and praying for the time to fly so that I could get
back home and accomplish my mission. I did think about buying my own bottle of
pills. I knew, however, that none of the ‘drugs stores’ would sell me a bottle
of pills—and besides, I needed something stronger than baby aspirin. I needed
some real pain killers to go with the rubbing mentholated alcohol that I had
chosen as my toxic drink.
It was worst that day in school.
I must have still been wearing the “Pick on Juliana Today” sign or something
because nothing seemed to go right. That day we had classroom detention and a
group of children from one specific “house” or homeroom as it is called, were
selected to tidy-up, and sweep the classroom. I stood with the remainder of the
class outside on the corridors overlooking the walkway of the building while
the selected group did the cleaning task. Since I did not like being idle, I
promptly took a novel out of my book-bag and started reading. I did this even
though reading during school hours was strictly prohibited. In my head however,
instead of standing there wasting time with idle gossip, I could be reading my
book. I became so engrossed in reading, that I lifted my head just in time to
see bald Mr. Walters coming over the crossway, perhaps to find out why we were
all standing outside of the classroom unsupervised.
00Quickly, I shouted for all to
hear, “Put away all story books, ‘Bald-head Walters’ coming through!” Everyone
took to calling him ‘Bald head Walters’ behind his back instead of referring to
him by his name; so that afternoon, I followed suit. Bad mistake! I forgot that
I did not have the same privileges as others did. As soon as Mr. Walters
appeared and asked why we were standing there, a student who did not like me at
all, took it on himself to tell Mr. Walters that I called him ‘bald head’.
Mr. Walters turned to me. “What
did you say?” he said. For some strange reason, I blurted out—without missing a
beat, “I told them to put away all story book, ‘Bald head Walters’ coming
through...” Time seemed to stand still. You could have heard a pencil drop two
floors below. Everyone was shocked; it was clear they were all surprised that I
would actually repeat what I had said in front of Mr. Walters. Then everyone
except Mr. Walters and I burst out laughing.
Mr. Walters was a very
dark-skinned man; to see him turn red as the entire classroom burst out
laughing was a sight to see. I guess he was upset that I dared to repeat what I
had said about him— with a straight face. In reflex, he began to threaten all
of us with detention. The entire class began to protest being in detention, and
he relented. He told the children who had been tasked with cleaning the class
to stop cleaning and come outside. Mr. Walters then turned to me. He told me
that since I was disrespectful to him, I was now in detention and had to
continue cleaning the class. This was a cause for more laughter now from the
class, but this time I was on the receiving end.
I did not protest. I walked into
the classroom, looked around, saw that the children hadn’t done much, and
promptly walked out. I walked down the stairways and across the walkway and
headed to the principal’s office. There was no way I was going to clean a
classroom because I had the audacity to repeat something that was asked of me,
something that everyone else kept saying behind Mr. Walters back—and more so,
something I had to repeat because a classmate did not like me and wanted to see
me get punished. Not this Juliana!—Not today!
When I got to the principal’s
office, her secretary asked why I had come. I told her that I needed to see the
principal to make a complaint about given detention because of something that
was no fault of my own. The principal wasn’t there, and I was allowed to speak
to the Deputy Principal. He was a kind soul; he listened to me as I explained
what happened with a slight smile growing at the corner of his lips. I believe
that he wanted to laugh so badly, but because I was so serious, I guess he held
it in and listened with the correct amount of gravity. In the end, he told me
not to worry, that he would accompany me back to the classroom and have it
sorted out there.
You could see the shock on the
other students’ faces when they saw me returning over the walkway with the
Deputy Principal. Not surprising, the classmate who ‘ratted’ on me found it
convenient to disappear. I could not be bothered. The Deputy Principal asked
the class to recount exactly what happened and why the homeroom was in
detention in the first place. Once he got the full story and realized that
indeed I was telling the truth, he said that I was off of detention. He did ask
for the student who started it all and was told that he had left to go to the
bathroom. The deputy Principal then warned us all and cautioned us not to get
more trouble and insisted that we stopped calling teachers by rude names.
Afterwards, he turned, went back to his office, where I’m sure he had a good
chuckle with the Principal’s secretary.
As for me, that only made things
worst with the class, because the original students who had they thought they
had gotten away from the cleaning, now had to return to complete the detention
cleaning task. They weren’t too happy about it.
I just could not wait for that
day to end. I was telling myself that if everything went well and my suicide
plan worked, it would all end that night, and I won’t have to face anymore
teasing or taunting in school. The school clock struck 3: pm, and I was first
out of the school door. I made my way home as fast as I could—determined to get
home before Mom did so that I could get those pills and the bottle of
mentholated alcohol. Since I didn’t know if she would miss them, I had to find
something to transfer the alcohol into so that I could drink to my death just
before going to bed. Yes! I was going to drink those pills, wash them down with
the alcohol, and then go to sleep, never to wake up again.
The bottle of pills and
mentholated alcohol were in the medicine cabinet. Exactly where I hoped they
would be. Tonight, was going to be the night where everything would end once
and for all. I just had to ensure that I had enough pills so that if she
checked the bottle for any reason, she would not find it empty. Then a thought
came to me: if I mixed the pills with others that she had in the medicine
cabinet, the dosage will be more lethal. Now all I needed was somewhere to hide
them so that no one would notice and asks questions. It was going to be much
harder to pour out the alcohol as I could not put it in a cup since it would
‘smell-up’ the house and everyone would want to know what was happening. I
decided that I’d have to steal the smallest bottle of mentholated alcohol and
hope that mom didn’t go in the cabinet tonight for any reason and miss it. If
she did, I could always say I was using it to rub my feet or something.
Time seemed to drag by slowly as
I waited for the perfect moment. It had to be tonight.
As I poured out the bills from
the bottle in my hands, I only had one thought in mind, who really would miss
me? But then thinking about all the things I have been through within the past
two days; I came to the conclusion that perhaps I was just doing everyone a
favor by removing myself form the equation and this earth as we know it. With
an assorted of pills in my skirt pocket and the bottle of mentholated alcohol
in the other, I carefully went into the room that I shared with my siblings and
hid them in my clothing basket. Nightfall just needed to hurry up and come
quickly.
I guess my mom knew something
was amiss because when she came in. I was very quiet. I was so nervous that I
could not even read a book and that was so unlike me. I just sat there watching
TV while Mom did her regular nightly duties of preparing for the next day and
resting her feet afterwards in her favorite chair.
As I sat there watching her, I
was asking myself if she was really my mother or did they give her the wrong
baby. Things just did not make any sense to me. She would speak to all my other
siblings and asked them how their day was, but it was as though I was
invisible. I was only noticed when I didn’t do something, or she wanted
something done.
I had no regrets about what I was
about to do. There was absolutely nothing more to live for and I was tired of
crying silently inside and outside. I was tired of the pain, the heartache,
everything. At 8 pm, I got up and changed my clothing and put on my night gown.
On the pretext of going to bed, I said my goodnight and took out the pills from
the bottle of mentholated alcohol. I did not even count how many pills there
were, it was more than enough for me and besides I did not care to count the
number, it did not matter anymore. I took the pills in my hands and quickly put
them into my mouth. With two quick gulps from the bottle of mentholated
alcohol, I swallowed them all. There was a burning sensation from the alcohol
as everything went down my throat. I did not care. I was beginning to feel a
bit nauseous, but I was happy inside. My duty was done. Mission accomplished. I
turned into bed and laid my head on the pillow. “Good night wicked world,” was
the last thing I remembered whispering and then I lost awareness of everything
around me.
“Juliana! … Wake up! … You will be late for school.” The voice pierced my dark,
black dreams. Then it came again louder: “WAKE UP, JULIANA! YOU WILL BE LATE
FOR SCHOOL!” Someone was shaking me—shaking me hard, and I stirred. At first I
was dazed, I did not recall my surrounding or where I was, and then it hit me.
I was STILL alive.
How could that be? I was in such
a shock; I could not even ‘mouth’ good morning to my sister who had shook me
awake. Last night events came rushing right back and I just sat there on my bed
speechless.
Why was I still alive?
