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In the midst of silence, so many thoughts and insights comes to mind. a new world awaits all those who have the courage to venture out no matter what their life situation may be and fulfill their dreams.
Saturday, 15 June 2024
Tuesday, 30 August 2022
The Suicide Plan
not like me because of my hearing challenge; and then at church it was always something or the other because I could not hear well to follow instructions in the teenager club that they kept. It was hurtful enough that I got called names like ‘deaf monkey’, and ‘stupid’, and ‘four-eyes’ and ‘baboon’ and the like. And then when I’m home I get called names like ‘stupid’, and ‘no-good-like yo’-father’ and have to face such horrible treatment. Yes, it was time to take myself off the face of this earth and get some rest finally where no one can hurt me anymore—and I did not care what anyone said or think.
I was going to kill myself and
no one was going to stop me. Inside, I was crying silently. I asked
myself what I did to deserve such treatment. How can people be so cruel to one
another without any remorse and think it was k? I had no answers in my little
mind; I just knew that something was not right and so I wanted no part of this
wicked world. Everywhere I turned I saw nothing but anger and hate. I felt as
though I was the cause for all the troubles and problems others were facing. It
was as if they were blaming me for their miserable existence and for some reason,
I had to pay for whatever their malady is. ‘Take it out on Juliana’ was
probably the sign on my fifteen-year-old forehead.
I planned my move carefully with
deep resolve. I would wait until my mom went inside the bathroom and quickly
sneak in her bedroom and remove the bottle of pills and then put them in my
underwear along with the mentholated alcohol so that neither her or my siblings
could see, then I would hide it in my clothing basket and when everyone was
sleeping, I would get up in the middle of the night as if I am going to the
bathroom, or try to drink everything before going to bed and then lay down and
sleep … say goodbye to this wicked world.
That was not to be. Mom hardly
moved from the living room that evening. So, I had to resign myself to facing
another long day at school and praying for the time to fly so that I could get
back home and accomplish my mission. I did think about buying my own bottle of
pills. I knew, however, that none of the ‘drugs stores’ would sell me a bottle
of pills—and besides, I needed something stronger than baby aspirin. I needed
some real pain killers to go with the rubbing mentholated alcohol that I had
chosen as my toxic drink.
It was worst that day in school.
I must have still been wearing the “Pick on Juliana Today” sign or something
because nothing seemed to go right. That day we had classroom detention and a
group of children from one specific “house” or homeroom as it is called, were
selected to tidy-up, and sweep the classroom. I stood with the remainder of the
class outside on the corridors overlooking the walkway of the building while
the selected group did the cleaning task. Since I did not like being idle, I
promptly took a novel out of my book-bag and started reading. I did this even
though reading during school hours was strictly prohibited. In my head however,
instead of standing there wasting time with idle gossip, I could be reading my
book. I became so engrossed in reading, that I lifted my head just in time to
see bald Mr. Walters coming over the crossway, perhaps to find out why we were
all standing outside of the classroom unsupervised.
00Quickly, I shouted for all to
hear, “Put away all story books, ‘Bald-head Walters’ coming through!” Everyone
took to calling him ‘Bald head Walters’ behind his back instead of referring to
him by his name; so that afternoon, I followed suit. Bad mistake! I forgot that
I did not have the same privileges as others did. As soon as Mr. Walters
appeared and asked why we were standing there, a student who did not like me at
all, took it on himself to tell Mr. Walters that I called him ‘bald head’.
Mr. Walters turned to me. “What
did you say?” he said. For some strange reason, I blurted out—without missing a
beat, “I told them to put away all story book, ‘Bald head Walters’ coming
through...” Time seemed to stand still. You could have heard a pencil drop two
floors below. Everyone was shocked; it was clear they were all surprised that I
would actually repeat what I had said in front of Mr. Walters. Then everyone
except Mr. Walters and I burst out laughing.
Mr. Walters was a very
dark-skinned man; to see him turn red as the entire classroom burst out
laughing was a sight to see. I guess he was upset that I dared to repeat what I
had said about him— with a straight face. In reflex, he began to threaten all
of us with detention. The entire class began to protest being in detention, and
he relented. He told the children who had been tasked with cleaning the class
to stop cleaning and come outside. Mr. Walters then turned to me. He told me
that since I was disrespectful to him, I was now in detention and had to
continue cleaning the class. This was a cause for more laughter now from the
class, but this time I was on the receiving end.
I did not protest. I walked into
the classroom, looked around, saw that the children hadn’t done much, and
promptly walked out. I walked down the stairways and across the walkway and
headed to the principal’s office. There was no way I was going to clean a
classroom because I had the audacity to repeat something that was asked of me,
something that everyone else kept saying behind Mr. Walters back—and more so,
something I had to repeat because a classmate did not like me and wanted to see
me get punished. Not this Juliana!—Not today!
When I got to the principal’s
office, her secretary asked why I had come. I told her that I needed to see the
principal to make a complaint about given detention because of something that
was no fault of my own. The principal wasn’t there, and I was allowed to speak
to the Deputy Principal. He was a kind soul; he listened to me as I explained
what happened with a slight smile growing at the corner of his lips. I believe
that he wanted to laugh so badly, but because I was so serious, I guess he held
it in and listened with the correct amount of gravity. In the end, he told me
not to worry, that he would accompany me back to the classroom and have it
sorted out there.
You could see the shock on the
other students’ faces when they saw me returning over the walkway with the
Deputy Principal. Not surprising, the classmate who ‘ratted’ on me found it
convenient to disappear. I could not be bothered. The Deputy Principal asked
the class to recount exactly what happened and why the homeroom was in
detention in the first place. Once he got the full story and realized that
indeed I was telling the truth, he said that I was off of detention. He did ask
for the student who started it all and was told that he had left to go to the
bathroom. The deputy Principal then warned us all and cautioned us not to get
more trouble and insisted that we stopped calling teachers by rude names.
Afterwards, he turned, went back to his office, where I’m sure he had a good
chuckle with the Principal’s secretary.
As for me, that only made things
worst with the class, because the original students who had they thought they
had gotten away from the cleaning, now had to return to complete the detention
cleaning task. They weren’t too happy about it.
I just could not wait for that
day to end. I was telling myself that if everything went well and my suicide
plan worked, it would all end that night, and I won’t have to face anymore
teasing or taunting in school. The school clock struck 3: pm, and I was first
out of the school door. I made my way home as fast as I could—determined to get
home before Mom did so that I could get those pills and the bottle of
mentholated alcohol. Since I didn’t know if she would miss them, I had to find
something to transfer the alcohol into so that I could drink to my death just
before going to bed. Yes! I was going to drink those pills, wash them down with
the alcohol, and then go to sleep, never to wake up again.
The bottle of pills and
mentholated alcohol were in the medicine cabinet. Exactly where I hoped they
would be. Tonight, was going to be the night where everything would end once
and for all. I just had to ensure that I had enough pills so that if she
checked the bottle for any reason, she would not find it empty. Then a thought
came to me: if I mixed the pills with others that she had in the medicine
cabinet, the dosage will be more lethal. Now all I needed was somewhere to hide
them so that no one would notice and asks questions. It was going to be much
harder to pour out the alcohol as I could not put it in a cup since it would
‘smell-up’ the house and everyone would want to know what was happening. I
decided that I’d have to steal the smallest bottle of mentholated alcohol and
hope that mom didn’t go in the cabinet tonight for any reason and miss it. If
she did, I could always say I was using it to rub my feet or something.
Time seemed to drag by slowly as
I waited for the perfect moment. It had to be tonight.
As I poured out the bills from
the bottle in my hands, I only had one thought in mind, who really would miss
me? But then thinking about all the things I have been through within the past
two days; I came to the conclusion that perhaps I was just doing everyone a
favor by removing myself form the equation and this earth as we know it. With
an assorted of pills in my skirt pocket and the bottle of mentholated alcohol
in the other, I carefully went into the room that I shared with my siblings and
hid them in my clothing basket. Nightfall just needed to hurry up and come
quickly.
I guess my mom knew something
was amiss because when she came in. I was very quiet. I was so nervous that I
could not even read a book and that was so unlike me. I just sat there watching
TV while Mom did her regular nightly duties of preparing for the next day and
resting her feet afterwards in her favorite chair.
As I sat there watching her, I
was asking myself if she was really my mother or did they give her the wrong
baby. Things just did not make any sense to me. She would speak to all my other
siblings and asked them how their day was, but it was as though I was
invisible. I was only noticed when I didn’t do something, or she wanted
something done.
I had no regrets about what I was
about to do. There was absolutely nothing more to live for and I was tired of
crying silently inside and outside. I was tired of the pain, the heartache,
everything. At 8 pm, I got up and changed my clothing and put on my night gown.
On the pretext of going to bed, I said my goodnight and took out the pills from
the bottle of mentholated alcohol. I did not even count how many pills there
were, it was more than enough for me and besides I did not care to count the
number, it did not matter anymore. I took the pills in my hands and quickly put
them into my mouth. With two quick gulps from the bottle of mentholated
alcohol, I swallowed them all. There was a burning sensation from the alcohol
as everything went down my throat. I did not care. I was beginning to feel a
bit nauseous, but I was happy inside. My duty was done. Mission accomplished. I
turned into bed and laid my head on the pillow. “Good night wicked world,” was
the last thing I remembered whispering and then I lost awareness of everything
around me.
“Juliana! … Wake up! … You will be late for school.” The voice pierced my dark,
black dreams. Then it came again louder: “WAKE UP, JULIANA! YOU WILL BE LATE
FOR SCHOOL!” Someone was shaking me—shaking me hard, and I stirred. At first I
was dazed, I did not recall my surrounding or where I was, and then it hit me.
I was STILL alive.
How could that be? I was in such
a shock; I could not even ‘mouth’ good morning to my sister who had shook me
awake. Last night events came rushing right back and I just sat there on my bed
speechless.
Why was I still alive?
Monday, 19 August 2019
Monday Motivation Daily Quotes
Friday, 7 June 2019
Wednesday, 23 January 2019
Wednesday, 5 October 2016
Tuesday, 4 October 2016
Thursday, 29 September 2016
Wednesday, 28 September 2016
Tuesday, 27 September 2016
Friday, 5 February 2016
Just one of those days
Wednesday, 30 December 2015
Thursday, 3 December 2015
Enjoy the Excerpt from my Upcoming Novel - A Silent Place to Stand
RECOGNIZING UNSUNG GUYANESE LITERARY TALENT
Presented and edited by Harold A. Bascom
(The intent of this new column is to showcase the writing of unrecognized and unsung writers in Guyana and from the Guyanese Diaspora. Today, I feature an excerpt from an upcoming novel by Ms. Marcia S. Shury. She is the author of the autobiography, ‘SILENT HEARER’. The following story is taken from her up-coming novel, ‘A Silent Place to Stand’.)
THE SUICIDE PLAN
By Marcia S. Shury
It was more than enough that at school I had to face those bullies who did
not like me because of my hearing challenge; and then at church it was always something or the other because I could not hear well to follow instructions in the teenager club that they kept. It was hurtful enough that I got called names like ‘deaf monkey’, and ‘stupid’, and ‘four-eyes’ and ‘baboon’ and the like. And then when I’m home I get called names like ‘stupid’, and ‘no-good-like yo’-father’ and have to face such horrible treatment. … Yes it was time to take myself off the face of this earth and get some rest finally where no one can hurt me anymore—and I did not care what anyone said or think.
I was going to kill myself and no one was going to stop me.
Inside, I was crying silently. I asked myself what I did to deserve such treatment. How can people be so cruel to one another without any remorse and think it was ok? I had no answers in my little mind; I just knew that something was not right and so I wanted no part of this wicked world. Everywhere I turned I saw nothing but anger and hate. I felt as though I was the cause for all the troubles and problems others were facing. It was as if they were blaming me for their miserable existence and for some reason I had to pay for whatever their malady is. ‘Take it out on Juliana’ was probably the sign on my fifteen-year-old forehead.
I planned my move carefully with deep resolve. I would wait until my mom went inside the bathroom and quickly sneak in her bedroom and remove the bottle of pills and then put them in my underwear along with the mentholated alcohol so that neither her or my siblings could see, then I would hide it in my clothing basket and when everyone was sleeping, I would get up in the middle of the night as if I am going to the bathroom, or try to drink everything before going to bed and then lay down and sleep … say goodbye to this wicked world.
That was not to be. Mom hardly moved from the living room that evening. So I had to resign myself to facing another long day at school and praying for the time to fly so that I could get back home and accomplish my mission. I did think about buying my own bottle of pills. I knew, however, that none of the ‘drugs stores’ would sell me a bottle of pills—and besides, I needed something stronger than baby aspirin. I needed some real pain killers to go with the rubbing mentholated alcohol that I had chosen as my toxic drink.
It was worst that day in school. I must have still been wearing the “Pick on Juliana Today” sign or something because nothing seemed to go right. That day we had classroom detention and a group of children from one specific “house” or homeroom as it is called, were selected to tidy-up and sweep the classroom. I stood with the remainder of the class outside on the corridors overlooking the walkway of the building while the selected group did the cleaning task. Since I did not like being idle, I promptly took a novel out of my book-bag and started reading. I did this even though reading during school hours was strictly prohibited. In my head however, instead of standing there wasting time with idle gossip, I could be reading my book. I became so engrossed in reading, that I lifted my head just in time to see bald Mr. Walters coming over the crossway, perhaps to find out why we were all standing outside of the classroom unsupervised.
Quickly, I shouted for all to hear, “Put away all story books, ‘Bald-head Walters’ coming through!” Everyone took to calling him ‘Bald head Walters’ behind his back instead of referring to him by his name; so that afternoon, I followed suit. Bad mistake! I forgot that I did not have the same privileges as others did. As soon as Mr. Walters appeared and asked why we were standing there, a student who did not like me at all, took it on himself to tell Mr. Walters that I called him ‘bald head’.
Mr. Walters turned to me. “What did you say?” he said. For some strange reason, I blurted out—without missing a beat, “I told them to put away all story book, ‘Bald head Walters’ coming through...”
Time seemed to stand still. You could have heard a pencil drop two floors below. Everyone was shocked; it was clear they were all surprised that I would actually repeat what I had said in front of Mr. Walters. Then everyone except Mr. Walters and I burst out laughing.
Mr. Walters was a very dark-skinned man; to see him turn red as the entire classroom burst out laughing was a sight to see. I guess he was upset that I dared to repeat what I had said about him— with a straight face. In reflex, he began to threaten all of us with detention. The entire class began to protest being in detention, and he relented. He told the children who had been tasked with cleaning the class to stop cleaning and come outside. Mr. Walters then turned to me. He told me that since I was disrespectful to him, I was now in detention and had to continue cleaning the class. This was a cause for more laughter now from the class, but this time I was on the receiving end.
I did not protest. I walked into the classroom, looked around, saw that the children hadn’t done much, and promptly walked out. I walked down the stairways and across the walkway and headed to the Principal’s office. There was no way I was going to clean a classroom because I had the audacity to repeat something that was asked of me, something that everyone else kept saying behind Mr. Walters back—and more so, something I had to repeat because a classmate did not like me and wanted to see me get punished. Not this Juliana!—Not today!
When I got to the principal’s office, her secretary asked why I had come. I told her that I needed to see the Principal to make a complaint about given detention because of something that was no fault of my own. The Principal wasn’t there, and I was allowed to speak to the Deputy Principal. He was a kind soul; he listened to me as I explained what happened with a slight smile growing at the corner of his lips. I believe that he wanted to laugh so badly, but because I was so serious, I guess he held it in and listened with the correct amount of gravity. In the end, he told me not to worry, that he would accompany me back to the classroom and have it sorted out there.
You could see the shock on the other students’ faces when they saw me returning over the walkway with the Deputy Principal. Not surprising, the classmate who ‘ratted’ on me found it convenient to disappear. I could not be bothered. The Deputy Principal asked the class to recount exactly what happened and why the homeroom was in detention in the first place. Once he got the full story and realized that indeed I was telling the truth, he said that I was off of detention. He did ask for the student who started it all and was told that he had left to go to the bathroom. The deputy Principal then warned us all and cautioned us not to get more trouble, and insisted that we stopped calling teachers by rude names. Afterwards, he turned, went back to his office, where, I’m sure he had a good chuckle with the Principal’s secretary.
As for me, that only made things worst with the class, because the original students who had they thought they had gotten away from the cleaning, now had to return to complete the detention cleaning task. They weren’t too happy about it.
I just could not wait for that day to end. I was telling myself that if everything went well and my suicide plan worked, it would all end that night, and I won’t have to face anymore teasing or taunting in school. The school clock struck 3: pm, and I was first out of the school door. I made my way home as fast as I could—determined to get home before Mom did so that I could get those pills and the bottle of mentholated alcohol. Since I didn’t know if she would miss them, I had to find something to transfer the alcohol into so that I could drink to my death just before going to bed. Yes! I was going to drink those pills, wash them down with the alcohol, and then go to sleep, never to wake up again.
The bottle of pills and mentholated alcohol were in the medicine cabinet. Exactly where I hoped they would be. Tonight was going to be the night where everything would end once and for all. I just had to ensure that I had enough pills so that if she checked the bottle for any reason, she would not find it empty. Then a thought came to me: if I mixed the pills with others that she had in the medicine cabinet, the dosage will be more lethal. Now all I needed was somewhere to hide them so that no one would notice and asks questions. It was going to be much harder to pour out the alcohol as I could not put it in a cup since it would ‘smell-up’ the house and everyone would want to know what was happening. I decided that I’d have to steal the smallest bottle of mentholated alcohol and hope that mom didn’t go in the cabinet tonight for any reason and miss it. If she did, I could always say I was using it to rub my feet or something.
Time seemed to drag by slowly as I waited for the perfect moment. It had to be tonight.
As I poured out the bills from the bottle in my hands, I only had one thought in mind, who really would miss me? But then thinking about all the things I have been through within the past two days, I came to the conclusion that perhaps I was just doing everyone a favor by removing myself form the equation and this earth as we know it. With an assorted of pills in my skirt pocket and the bottle of mentholated alcohol in the other, I carefully went into the room that I shared with my siblings and hid them in my clothing basket. Nightfall just needed to hurry up and come quickly.
I guess my mom knew something was amiss because when she came in. I was very quiet. I was so nervous that I could not even read a book and that was so unlike me. I just sat there watching TV while Mom did her regular nightly duties of preparing for the next day and resting her feet afterwards in her favorite chair.
As I sat there watching her, I was asking myself if she was really my mother or did they give her the wrong baby. Things just did not make any sense to me. She would speak to all my other siblings and asked them how their day was, but it was as though I was invisible. I was only noticed when I didn’t do something or she wanted something done.
I had no regrets about what I was about to do. There was absolutely nothing more to live for and I was tired of crying silently inside and outside. I was tired of the pain, the heartache, everything. At 8 pm, I got up and changed my clothing and put on my night gown. On the pretext of going to bed, I said my goodnight and took out the pills from the bottle of mentholated alcohol. I did not even count how many pills there were, it was more than enough for me and besides I did not care to count the number, it did not matter anymore. I took the pills in my hands and quickly put them into my mouth. With two quick gulps from the bottle of mentholated alcohol, I swallowed them all. There was a burning sensation from the alcohol as everything went down my throat. I did not care. I was beginning to feel a bit nauseous, but I was happy inside. My duty was done. Mission accomplished. I turned into bed and laid my head on the pillow. “Good night wicked world,” was the last thing I remembered whispering and then I lost awareness of everything around me.
“Juliana! … Wake up! … You will be late for school.” The voice pierced my dark, black dreams. Then it came again louder: “WAKE UP, JULIANA! YOU WILL BE LATE FOR SCHOOL!” Someone was shaking me—shaking me hard, and I stirred. At first I was dazed, I did not recall my surrounding or where I was, and then it hit me.
I was STILL alive.
How could that be? I was in such a shock; I could not even ‘mouth’ good morning to my sister who had shook me awake. Last night events came rushing right back and I just sat there on my bed speechless.
Why was I still alive?
THE END
Friday, 30 October 2015
A Novelist Book Review of Silent Hearer
A review by Harold A. Bascom
Guyanese Novelist, Playwright, & Artist
SILENT HEARER by Ms. Marcia is a jewel; it is also, however, the promise of a priceless diamond. There’s a word that has been used to often in reviews, it has grown into a cliché: poignant. It means moving —emotional —touching —distressing …sad. And Ms. Shury’s journey fits that word: poignant …from that moment of her teacher’s suspicion that she had a hearing problem—through to the hard realization that it was so; and the vicissitudes of her life as a hearing impaired child, girl, and woman, can all be summed up into that one word: poignant.
But it was a journey too short—much, much too short, complete with two-page chapters. I felt this book comprises the bound sketch-notes for a greater volume yet to come. One hundred and three pages could easily have been three times that amount. I feel this humble tome that comp[rtises of autobiographical notes that tease without fulfilling that desire to know more—to understand more—to flesh out more, hold the promise of a very strong and moving first novel to come.
Maybe Marcia Shury—like many young writers, was in a rush to publish. But there is time, my dear. As an experienced director of dramas, I read this book, and like watching a talented actress give just a fraction of her depth, I shouted in my mind, “CUT—CUT!”
And this is me sighing and saying to that actress. “Take your time… dig deeper—do not be afraid to flesh out everything…”
And to you, Marcia S. Shury, I say the same: “Take your time, and let’s do another take. ‘Silent Hearer’ is merely the seed of a literary promise. Do a rewrite—dig deeper—flesh out everything and everyone! Make it into an awesome tree—an oak huge and awesome. You can!”
But small as this book is, ONE THING IS REQUIRED of you, dear, reader: READ IT!!!
Monday, 19 October 2015
Winning!
Thursday, 8 October 2015
One of the Wiiners at Novel Festival
Everyone loves a great bestseller and a famous author, alas, I am not in those categories YET! Read that again, YET! I will get there slowly but surely, but before I do, let me enjoy my low key, life without having to worry about the paparazzi showing up at my door or camping out overnight to take my photos.
Let me enjoy the quiet of the neighborhood, and the thrill of being able to hop on the bus, the subway, hop into a friend car or just stroll leisurely down the sidewalks without being recognized and then swarmed for my autograph. I know those days are coming - and you heard it here first - but until then, allow me to enjoy the simple pleasure of live.
So in parting, let me share with you an excerpt from my book Silent Hearer as actress Val Cole reads the first chapter chosen as one of the winners at the WildSound Novel Festival.
If you have not gotten a copy fo the book yet, you are welcomed to grab a copy from the following places Amazon http://amzn.to/1OD2hc1 or here at Barnes and Noble http://bit.ly/1Q3XqRQ
Enjoy the video below...


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